I'm Uzumaki Friggan Naruto, Thats Who!
by Ageant
Summary: A tale of love, war, superiority complexes, and plant men in dresses. Read or be eternally lame! Strong Language
1. A Plant Man's Love of Bastards

Hey! I finally got around to rewriting this, the language is much stronger and more offensive. I hope you enjoy the story, and if you do please leave a review. Also check out my other story the Hyuuga Man.

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It was another sunny day in Konoha, the birds were singing, and the bees… well… what they were doing is highly disgusting; involved the use of honey, Shino's left foot, and one of Hinata's old bras. Konoha itself was again top of the heap as far as the elemental countries were concerned. The aftereffects of Pain's attack had been almost completely erased, minus a few odds and ends such as the giant bowl shaped defile that Konoha now resided in. Things had vastly calmed down in the years following the destruction of Akatsuki, and Sasuke's subsequent retrieval. Our story however takes place in the forest surrounding Konoha. In this forest sits a man, with blond hair, and blue eyes. However he is not alone. A young brown haired lad, wearing curiously enough a scarf, and goggles entered into the clearing where the man with no name, Naruto Uzumaki, was currently to be found.

"Boss! I've been looking for you all day," shouted Konohamaru, his eyes filled with glee at the sight of his favorite old person.

The Jinchurriki of the Kyuubi sighed before running a hand through his hair. "No Konohamaru, I just came out here to get away from all the noise for a bit."

"You know, the village is a lot quieter with you out here. I just want to point that out."

"You know… I have heard the Rasengan hurts… just saying."

"Heh… yeah, I've heard that too. I'm just worried about you Boss; you've been doing this for weeks! Just tell me what the problem is, it might help! Could… could it be lady problems?" Asked Konohamaru his face stretched into a maniac grin.

"Eh?" Naruto intelligently replied. "No, no, nooooo! Nothing like that! Besides you know there's only one woman for me."

"Hey boss! Since you don't want to talk about it, and since I'm already here… why don't you tell me about how you brought back Sasuke?"

"Well… I guess it can't hurt, just don't try not and interrupt alright? Konohamaru nodded eagerly. He was excited to hear the story, after all, Naruto hadn't told the story to him before. He was in fact very private about the whole affair.

"It started like this. I had just taken out Old Man Madara, and I was tired from having to beat the shit out of him. When all of a sudden here comes Sasuke out of nowhere and he starts talking about all this bullshit about his hatred giving him the ultimate power, or some crap like that." A sudden noise from beyond the tree line caught Naruto's attention before he dismissed it, already full well knowing the source of the noise. "Anyway, Sasuke goes ballistic; he's ripping Ame a new asshole, if you know what I mean. He's blowing up houses with his friggin… friggin fireballs, you know?"

"Uh, why would he do that? I might not know Sasuke that well, but he doesn't seem like he would do that."

"Well... from what I learned afterwards, Madara was feeding Sasuke some kind of bullshit lines. He got him believe the Uchiha were superior to everyone else, not that it would be especially hard to convince Sasuke of that," Naruto suddenly adopted a very fox like grin before continuing, "If you want my opinion… the only thing the Uchiha are superior to anyone at is having the ability to walk with steel rods shoved far up their asses." Grin still firmly in place Naruto continued his tale, "So… I'm standing on the side of a building, tired out, and trying to talk him down in my usual pre-fight fashion of course that retarded bastard is having none of that. That bastard keeps on blowing up shit completely ignoring me. So bam, I jump off the building towards him," here Naruto's grin seemed to get even larger, "As I'm falling, I realize, I have to get his attention somehow, so I yell at him, hey! Saucy Bitch! Look to the sky motherfucker! It's a bird it's a plane, no, it's Uzu-fucking-maki Naruto!

Naruto paused to catch his breath, and to also let Konohamaru get control of his giggling. "So I jump on him, and he's all blaarrggghh, hopped up on whatever mystical fantasyland crap Madara had been feeding him. Sasuke looks up at me and tries to hit me with some weird sharingan technique or something, and the dumb bastard starts to bleed from his eyes, so I deck him." Seeing Konohamaru's questioning gaze the blond badass decided to explain. "You see Itachi met me awhile back before that, and used some weird jutsu to shove a crow down my throat. Which I guess makes me the world's first catcher when it comes to crow jobs." The Scarf wearing boy's eyes widened comically as he tried to figure out the processes involved in a Crow job.

"Anyway, Team Hawk, or whatever the hell they call themselves, and Sakura are standing around looking like a bunch of retards, because I just punched the shit out of the last Uchiha," Naruto's face contorted into a grimace. "Which by the way; is a fucking sob story for the ages. Cry me a fuckin river; Sasuke couldn't wipe his own ass when his brother killed his family. I had just had my umbilical cord cut when my father shoved a giant demon fox into my stomach but you don't see me bringing that up on a daily basis."

"You know why?" He looked at Konohamaru, who could only shake his head in the negative. "Because I'm Naruto Uzumaki, that's why." Naruto let out a soft harrumph. "I grew up in the slums of Konoha, kid," Our scarf wearing sidekick looked surprised and a bit agitated. He started to screw up his courage and prepare to speak. However a stern look from Naruto warned him away from speaking about things he knew nothing of. "Like I was saying, in the slums, if you see someone being electrocuted by a lightning technique you throw them in a tub and do your laundry. You catch my drift? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?" The goggle wearing boy's face was a mix between confused and scandalized. "Get it? Got it? Good!"

Catching the way his friend was looking at him Naruto quickly spoke. "Sorry, I take that back, Hinata hates the lightning technique joke too." The Hokage to be quickly imitated the Hyuuga heiress' voice. "Blah, blah, blah, I-I-I'm sparkle princess Hinata, from the m… m-magical Hyuuga clan, unicorns, fairies, and kimonoooos. To be honest the only reason I hang out with Hinata is on account of her huge rack." In the distance someone could be heard crying and moving away from the clearing at a fast pace it was ignored by our slightly dynamic duo. "Anyway, back to Sasuke, He chucks a fucking lightning bolt at me, and I matrix my self out of the way. I look at Sasuke, and I yell Dude, what the hell? Game so NOT on. So, he tries to friggin shunshin to me, or some shit like that, and it's pitiful, because his bleeding eyes are seriously starting to screw up his shit." Our friendly neighborhood demon container stops suddenly, the sound of someone coming in their direction clear. "Now I have the whole of Ame, Team Hawk, Sakura, and Zetsu standing there like a bunch of retards." Deciding to let the whole absurdity of the situation sink in before going on Naruto paused for a short moment.

"Someone's weeping, and I think it might be Sakura, but when I finally look, it's Zetsu and he's wearing a strapless dress," Naruto paused to let the reality of a plant man in a dress fully sink in, "I don't even want to friggin know." A shiver goes down Naruto's back at the memory. "Sasuke keeps fighting, and I'm getting fed the hell up, because I told Konan that I'd be back in time for our date, and she friggin loves ramen as much as I do. And to find someone who does is a friggin miracle."

"Yet here I am pounding the crap out of this stubborn asshole, I knee him in the face and he gets a nosebleed, and everyone suddenly goes crazy, because he's their friggin Uchiha messiah or something. I'm pissed at this point, I'm doing these people a favor, and there they are jeering at me, and I'm thinking Sasuke is like a rabid dog. The revenge obsessed, nut-job has finally snapped, and I'm trying to get things back under control. Yet I have Zetsu and friggin Karin crying on my left, and Sakura, Juugo, and Suigetsu on my right, staring at me like I donkey punched their grandmothers." Naruto stops and looks Konohamaru straight in the eye. "Are these people dense? Are they retarded or something?" Deciding that Naruto was being rhetorical Konohamaru decided not to offer up an answer. "Don't they know who the hell I am?"

"I'm Naruto fucking Uzumaki, that's who!"

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**A/N:** Review if you would please. I'm working on a follow up chapter and that should be up soon. Thanks for reading.


	2. A Total Lack Of Sense

It had been a typical assassination mission, which would explain why Naruto was so utterly pissed. The thing that seemed to infuriate him the most was the fact that the one responsible was not an amateur at this. They had done many, many missions together before, and what made him angry the most was that this was the second time that it had happened. The target was now aware of them. It is this scene we enter in upon.

"I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!" Shouted Naruto as spittle started to fly from between his lips.

"Naruto, Naruto!" Anko desperately tried to interject herself into the conversation, she understood his anger but it wasn't helping.

"I want you off the fucking mission you prick!"

"Naruto, I'm sorry." Said the blond haired man named Dopple.

"No, don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second. What the FUCK are you DOING? Are you a professional or not?"

"Yes I am."

"Do I fucking go around and yell at the top of my lungs."

"Naruto! Naruto please…" Anko again tried to stop the quarrel before it could get out of control.

"No, shut the fuck up Anko! Do I fucking going around yelling- no don't shut me up!"

"I'm not shutting you up!"

"Am I going to walk around and activate your fucking traps, in the middle of a fight? Then why the fuck are you shouting out your jutsu in the middle of an assassination? Where the hell do you get off screaming Shadow Clone Technique like that. What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fucking understand about being quiet!?"

"I-I'm…"

"You got any fucking idea about how fucking much of a tip off it is to have somebody yelling shit in the middle of the mission? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about it?

"I-I was fighting one of the guards."

"Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it's useless now, isn't it?"

"Okay."

"For fucks-sake man, you're amateur. Anko, you got fucking something to say to this prick?"

"I didn't hear it happen."

"Well, someone needs to be fucking watching and keeping an eye on him."

"Fair enough, can't you put a clone on him though?"

"I could but that's not the point. It's the second time that he doesn't give a FUCK about what is going on around him, alright? I'm trying to fucking do a job here, and I am thinking. Why the fuck is Dopple yelling? What is going on out there? Do you understand that you blow our cover if you're doing that?"

"I absolutely apologize. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to ruin the mission for us."

"Stay away from the fucking mission man. For fucks-sake. Alright, let's go again."

"Let's just take a minute to relax guys."

"Let's not take a fucking minute, we have no choice. Maybe this time we can do it without you fucking shouting Dopple! Can we get on with this please? You're unbelievable; you're un-fucking-believable. The number of times you've ended up blowing the mission is fucking staggering. It's like you don't fucking understand what it's like working as a Ninja that's what that is."

"No, that's…"

"That's what that is man, I'm telling you. I'm not asking, I'm telling you. You wouldn't have done that otherwise."

"No, what it is; is the guard surprising me and I'm trying to make sure, that he doesn't sound the alarm."

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! ALRIGHT?! I'm going to go…Do you want me to fucking go beat the shit out of your traps? DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING TRASH YOUR TRAPS!? Then why are you trashing my assassination?

"I'm not trying to trash your murder!"

"First off, it's an assassination not a murder, and secondly you FUCKING ARE!"

"Naruto, I was only…"

"You do it one more fucking time and I am not doing one more assassination ever again. I'm fucking serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't fucking cut it when you're bullshitting and fucking around like this on mission."

"Can we… can we just get on with the mission?"

"He doesn't fucking get it."

"Okay maybe he doesn't get it but, I do. I get it. Just take a breath, take a few seconds."

"No I don't fucking need to take a breath! I am not the one screaming. Let's just get this done with, I'm done with him, we're fucking done professionally man."

"Listen! I'm sorry, really…" However before Dopple could finish Naruto dispelled him.

"Fucking amateurs."

Anko could only shake her head at the sheer idiocy of the situation.


	3. Haters Gonna Hate

A lot of people know Uzumaki Naruto. Some as a comrade, some as an implacable foe, others yet see him as nothing more then a friend. We sent out many letters, and got many responses. We here at Konoha Daily News have pruned down the pile to give you our readers the opinions of some of the Shinobi Worlds biggest movers and shakers as to their thoughts about Uzumaki Naruto.

Our first response is a short one, from a very surprising source. In fact we didn't expect to get an answer to our question from this particular person. Needless to say when a return letter from Uchiha Sasuke showed up at our steps we were very surprised! His message was very short and very terse; we've edited out the portion where he threatened us because our younger readers should not be exposed to such language.

Uchiha Sasuke writes "He stinks and I don't like him." Short and to the point, much as the man himself is.

The next letter comes from Suna's Kazekage Gaara of the Sand, who many also know as Gaara of the Funk, and Gaara of the Moose Knuckle, and also the owner and proprietor of Gaara's discount electronics emporium. He had many nice things to say. For the sake of not taking the whole publication over we have taken an excerpt that we feel properly conveys his thoughts.

"He's my main man; I'd sell him a car radio at only half price my friend. I remember one time we went out to the desert and punched a camel, than we ran away. It was wonderful. He always sends me the fizzy bubbly when he passes by. He is my number one friend, my friend."

A very stirring letter to say the least, our next response comes all the way from Kumogakure. From a very lovely Kunoichi named Samui. We can't actually print this letter as it involves a level of vulgarity hereto unseen in this world. Needless to say Mr. Uzumaki should be careful of 'hitting it and then quitting it' and furthermore that he needs to be the 'baby's daddy'. Strong allegations to be sure, the letter however ends on a much more positive note, saying only for him to 'do the right thing'.

Our last letter today comes from our very own Konohagakure. It comes from a very special Jonin. Often controversial yet always fresh Aoba, his letter was as short as Mr. Uchiha's yet much more confusing. When asked about Mr. Uzumaki he spoke thusly.

"He's just this guy, you know?"

Strong words even if they only make a sort of tangential sense. We showed Mr. Uzumaki the various letters, and asked him if he wanted to retort to some of his harsher critics. As to be expected he responded in typical fashion. In full we present you his response.

"They see me rollin. They hatin. Out there patrollin trying to catch me ridin dirty."

Indeed… That's all from today's issue of KDN, as always keep it classy Konoha.

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**A/N: Finally I got inspired to write something. I actually have another idea that is gnawing away so there should be another chapter soon. I also ask anyone who reads this to check out my other fic as well. I'd recommend It's Simple by Vlaigeant too... but then I don't know if you can review with a melted brain. Thanks for reading dawgs. **


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